


Amnesia

by Lunar_stars



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Fluff, Self-Harm, Suicide, yeah okay so there's a lot of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 21:14:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21087941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunar_stars/pseuds/Lunar_stars
Summary: Luke is mourning the suicide of his girlfriend and reminisces over how in love he was with her. He comes to terms with the fact that he can't live without her.





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Amnesia](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/528011) by 5 Seconds Of Summer. 

> TW: Suicide, self-harm, depression, mentions of parental abuse, sad Luke
> 
> This, along with any other one-shots I post are posted on my Tumblr @ Cal-ly-umhood! Follow there if you would like one-shots before they are posted here :)

Luke presses part of the soft pillow to his ear, trying to drown out the thoughts flooding his brain. His head is pounding with thoughts from months ago, imagining her body right next to his. The blood pouring out of the wound, staining sheets, and his clothes. The shirt he wore that night was left at her house, discarded right there when he had to lift her dead body off the mattress. She was light in his arms; weightless like an angel floating in thin air. His blue -for some reason he wore blue that night- jeans are stuffed in the corner of his closet, soaked thick with blood down the front.

_ **“You’re an idiot,” Y/N giggled, shoving a spoon into his mouth. His top jaw fell onto the metal, freezing his gums with frozen yogurt. “Is it good?” Y/N had the most beautiful smile Luke had ever laid eyes on. Her teeth bit down on her lip when she smiled, bringing her boyfriend’s attention to the plump skin. Luke absolutely adored Y/N. She caught his eye in middle school, finally gave him a chance in high school, and had been dating since. Liz Hemmings described the couple as inseparable and loving. Every time Y/N had to go home from Luke’s house, he’d walk her the seven-block distance, kissed her under the moonlight, and would walk home while on the phone with her.** _

_ **Luke nodded his head, confirming what Y/N thought of her favorite frozen yogurt flavor. “Tastes just like you,” Luke leaned forward to connect his lips with Y/N’s. She tasted the yogurt on his lips, basking in the sweetness mixed with Luke. Her hand grabbed onto the collar of his shirt when he tried to pull away. Just to keep him close for a little while longer. Just a few seconds.** _

Luke bit into the skin on the back of his hands, suppressing a sob. She was gone so quickly; it took her almost no time to bleed out completely. Too much blood gone, and her heart was dead. There was nothing Luke could do to stop the bleeding. He regrets not opening her door sooner- he regrets waiting for her to say it was okay to go into her room!

** _“Is it hot in here or is it just you?”_ **

** _Luke shoved Y/N’s shoulder, pushing her into the grass a little bit as he continued down the sidewalk. “I hate you,” Luke laughed off._ **

It’s all his fault!

_ **“Are you sure you’re not tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day!”** _

_ **“I am tired, Hemmings, but it’s because it’s the middle of the night,”** _

_ **“Way to ruin it, dork,”** _

Luke rolled over, suffocating himself in a bedspread and duvet. His bare torso is hot and sweaty, but on the inside, he’s frozen and cold, breathing in pieces of ice. He looks at the wall next to the side of his bed- the bed Y/N and he had pressed against the wall just days before her death so they could hang polaroids of them both. They made a heart out of the polaroids right next to Luke’s windows, with ‘Y/N & LUKE’ written right above it. Though there were pictures of Luke with all of his friends too, most were of her. His favorite- a picture of her sitting on him with her head thrown back in laughter, wrapping her right arm around the back of his neck. She was smiling- cackling with laughter from a stupid pickup line. Ashton took it on Christmas. Luke remembered only because of her brand-new skinny jeans; she had gotten them that morning and tore them the same night. He wants to rip it off the wall, into pieces, and set every last bit on fire.

The only reason he didn’t is that they’re all he has left of her.

** _“What do you call a cheese you can’t have- Wait!” Luke let go of Y/N’s hand and turned to face her. She was buried in his favorite hoodie, letting it reach her thighs. Luke just stared at her for a moment, forgetting his joke. He admired her: messy hair, ripped skinny jeans, combat boots, and his hoodie. He couldn’t imagine an outfit that would make her look better. “What …” Luke shook his head, trying to resurrect the memory of the joke. “What’s the cheese that you can’t have?”_ **

** _Y/N smiled that smile where her eyes would close. The smile that proved just how in love with Luke Hemmings she is. “What, Homo?”_ **

** _“Nacho Cheese!”_ **

** _Y/N tucked her face into her hands, laughing from idiocy, hilarity, and how excited Luke was to get it right. Luke pulled her hands away from her face, forcing her close to him. They kissed before continuing their walk around town. “You’re stupid.”_ **

** _“Yeah.”_ **

Luke covered his head with the duvet. His mum taught him that if you’re under a blanket for too long, you can suffocate. No new airflow- only carbon dioxide. He hopes he’ll suffocate with her memory sitting on the tip of his tongue.

“Luke?” a voice came from behind his bedroom door. Somebody rasped their knuckles against the wood. “I know you’re awake.” Luke didn’t dare make a sound or move. He wanted to be left alone without anybody bothering him. “Get up or I’m coming in.” No reply. Calum shoved his way into Luke’s room. He pinched his nose immediately. “Gross! You stink. When was the last time you showered?”

He showered the blood off his skin and from under his nails the morning that Y/N was pronounced dead. The sun was barely up, and he was mourning the death of his long-time girlfriend during a sobfest under cold water. Since that day, he has drunk a bottle of water in total and gone to the bathroom. “Get out.” Luke’s voice was raspy from dehydration and lack of speaking.

“Take a shower.”

“I said get out!” Luke screamed. He clutched a pillow from his floor and shot it towards Calum as hard as he could. He hasn’t eaten in a week; he has no strength to get the pillow hurled painfully at his friend.

“Take a shower,” Calum said in a calm tone. He wanted to reason with his younger friend rather than anger him again. “Eat what your mom made you,” Calum stared at the snacks Liz had brought to Luke over the past few days. She’ll step into his room while he’s sleeping and place something fulfilling on his nightstand and pray that he consumed it. “Her funeral is today. You have to go.”

“You don’t think I know that!”

“Luke,” Calum whispered. “I know it’s hard, but-”

“-But what, Calum?” Luke was on the verge of crying. Calum had only seen his best friend like that a few times in his life. “She’s dead. The love of my life is dead because of me!”

“Luke,” Calum whispered. The room was filled with emotion nipping at Calum’s seams. Luke’s feelings tore at Calum’s nerves, feasting and shredding them until he was practically crying along with his friend. Calum swallowed hard. The older of the two restrained all of his feelings. “Please just get up and eat something. We’re all worried about you.”

Luke slid over in his bed a little bit. Calum sat down on Luke’s grey sheets and opened his arm. Calum and Luke don’t show emotion that much, though everyone has a breaking point. Luke drifts into Calum’s body, shoving his head into Calum’s chest. The olders arm falls and pats the younger body. “It’s all my fault!” Luke violently sobs. He’s soaking his friends’ white shirt, but Calum doesn’t mind.

_ **When Luke first laid eyes on Y/N he had to do everything in his power to learn her name. His hand shot up in the middle of Mrs. Montgomery’s math class, asking for the new girl to be his partner. Y/N smiled and nodded her head to the teacher, confirming that she wanted to be with Luke.** _

_ **In her leather jacket and skinny jeans, she sat down right next to Luke. She moved a braid over her shoulder and leaned in really close. Luke could smell mint on her breath. “What’s your name?”** _

_ **“Luke,” Y/N smiled at him. “What’s yours?”** _

_ **“Y/N!”** _

_ **“That’s really your name?”** _

_ **“Yeah,” Y/N snickered. “My parents were a little weird.”** _

_ **“There’s nothing wrong with weird.”** _

“It’s not your fault Luke,” Calum whispered. He continued patting the emotional seventeen-year-old. “It’s none of our faults. You didn’t know-”

“-Calum shut up,” Luke whispered. He pulled away from Calum’s shirt, feeling bad about leaving a trail of tear marks on the right breast. “You don’t understand. I loved her so much, and it’s all my fault.”

Calum met Y/N before she met Luke. Calum thought Y/N was gorgeous too, but she liked Luke more than Calum. Her death had a huge impact on Calum, one of her best friends, along with Ashton Irwin and Michael Clifford. Luke didn’t know that Calum had been in love with Y/N since they were young too. He wouldn’t ever tell him that either.

_ **“What if we pushed our Minecraft beds together,” Luke whispered from behind Y/N as she stirred a pot of pasta. He wrapped his arms around her fragile body, resting his hands on her ribs. She laid her head against his on her shoulder. “Just kidding . . . unless?”** _

_ **“You’re stupid,” Y/N rolled her eyes. She tapped the wooden spoon on the edge of the black pot before setting it down on the counter. Her body flipped around to face her boyfriend. “But we should. I want a bigger bed to sleep on. I’ll make you sleep on the ground.” Y/N kissed Luke.** _

_ **“That’s not what I meant, Y/N,”** _

_ **Y/N smirked and got on her tippy-toes to kiss Luke again. “I know.”** _

Calum convinced Luke into getting out of his room. Liz almost fainted seeing her son walking through her house shirtless and without complaining. Luke stared at the ground as his feet shuffled further and further against the carpet. Liz perked up when her youngest son caught her eyes, but Calum’s face told her that he was only out of his room by force.

“I’m gonna’ go take a shower,” Luke muttered, shoving back his greasy hair. He made his way into the cold bathroom and closed the door behind him. He didn’t even turn on the light; he let the window in the shower illuminate the small room. He shoved his pants to the cold ground and stared at his dark reflection in the mirror.

Dirt stuck under his fingernails pretending to be black French tips. His nails would be longer, but he chews them off in his sleep when he remembers what she looks like. In the daytime, he gnaws on his raw fingers without realizing what he’s doing. Luke’s belly caves in on his ribs; his legs seemed to be a shade dark with dirt; his hands feel weak and bloodless.

** _“You have such a babyface,”_ **

** _“Fuck off, Y/N,”_ **

** _“You do!”_ **

Luke brushes his hand over his rough face, feeling the facial hair just barely growing.

_ **“I’ll grow a beard just for you!”** _

_ **“You could be growing that until the day I die and it still won’t show up!”** _

_ **“Try me, Y/N!”** _

He flipped around and punched the wall behind him. A dent doesn’t form from his fist but red marks form on his knuckles. How could he just let her go like that? He continues punching until somebody knocks on the bathroom door. Luke halts his actions, feeling tears roll down his cheeks.

“I’m fine,” he tells whoever is behind the door. “I’m perfectly fine.”

-

Returning to his room, Luke feels weak and like he’s on the verge of collapsing. He closes his door behind him and falls onto his freshly-made bed. It smells like laundry detergent and Y/N’s favorite perfume. The smells seem to be mixed in a blanket Liz picked from his closet and threw onto her sons’ clean bed. Luke sat in the shower long enough for Liz to tidy up his room- he’s forever grateful that she did that for him. Though, he feels terrible that she’s the one that had to clean.

** _“I’m cold,” Y/N giggles. Her hair tickles the underneath of Luke’s child when she snuggles even closer to him. “Why do you keep it two degrees in here?”_ **

** _Luke breaks his concentration of Deadpool playing on his flatscreen. His sparkly eyes look around the room to search for a blanket. He tucked in his duvet and bedsheets when Y/N said she was coming over to watch a movie, and he didn’t want to mess it up. He reached for the blanket just under his bed and laid it over his girlfriends’ small shoulders. “I like the cold,”_ **

** _Luke does like the cold, but when Y/N said she was on her period, Luke looked up different things to help. They had snacks laid out in front of them: chocolate, chips, doughnuts, fruit, pizza, leftover pasta, and nachos that Y/N said she was craving. Something told him that your body temperature goes up, so he turned the thermostat down and put joggers and a hoodie on. He’ll give the hoodie to Y/N when she’s almost asleep so she has something to clutch onto._ **

He never got that hoodie back. The blanket, though, now sits on his bed, covering the mattress. Luke can’t cry though; he’s cried so much in the past few hours all he wants to do is fall asleep. He resists the urge, though, when he sees the outfit Liz picked out for him on his bed.

He thinks of himself as a little kid- mommy had to pick out his outfit. He can’t bring himself to make fun of it though. He just isn’t feeling like it. He dresses in the black button-down and black slacks and attaches the dark grey suspenders to the front of his pants, then the back. It’s not his style, but it’s what Liz chose for the funeral. It still boggles his mind that he’s attending Y/N’s funeral.

_ **“What are the six elements of art?” Luke asked Y/N, resting his chin on the top of her head. His hand dipped into the purple bath water to wrap his arm around the front of her body. Y/N had a huge art final in the morning, but needed relaxation and to review. Luke’s first plan was to take a dip into the ocean. The chilly air prohibited them from even thinking of resting their toes in the water under the moonlight. Luke drew a scorching bath and threw in essential oils he knows Y/N favors and the only bath bomb that he could find underneath the sink; she rested in his arms, on the verge of sleep.** _

_ **Y/N thought about her answer. “Color, form, shape, space, texture, and-” her brain was buffering, forgetting the last element she had to study. She turned her body so her shoulder was up against Luke’s chest, their legs still tangled into a mess on the bottom of the porcelain tub. “ … uh?”** _

_ **“Y/N, you know this,”** _

_ **She looked up at her gorgeous boyfriend through her eyelashes, clinging onto the memory of Art I. She ran a wet hand through his quiff, dampening the strands of hair down to his head. “Your hair is so soft.” He laughed, but still pressed further for the answer. “Line?”** _

_ **Luke leaned his head down to press his lips to hers. “Correct.”** _

Luke stares at his hands while he sits at the breakfast table. Calum and Ashton shove a jar of jelly between the two of them. Calum sets the jar on Luke’s untouched plate. Luke stares inside at the fruit-flavored gelatin without responding. The glass canister is almost empty with a full serving left at the bottom. It clings to the sides with a spoon mark on the bottom where somebody just shoveled it straight out. It’s Y/N’s favorite flavor- the type he only bought for when she was hungry.

Her voice is screaming at him. “This is all your fault, Hemmings!” She’s screaming at the top of her lungs inside of his head- he’s ears are the only ones that hear her screaming. Luke’s skull throbs while she screams. He can’t even hear Liz asking if he’s okay. “This is all your fault!” Y/N continues to scream. In an attempt to make her screaming stop, Luke picks the jar from his plate and drops it into the trash can. With a booming sound, the glass breaks into pieces at the bottom of the bag. The screaming continues; she’s all he can hear. “You killed me, Luke!”

Liz turns her son away from the trash can. His body jumps in surprise at the feeling of somebody’s hands touching him- he’s a killer. He doesn’t deserve love. Her mouth opens and she speaks, but her voice is absolute silence to Luke. He squints at her. He can barely make out her frame, feeling the world spin on a single point. Luke feels dizzy, about to fall over on top of his mother. Liz barely catches her son and guides him back to his seat. His head falls into his empty plate where the screaming continues.

_ **“We should adopt a dog!”** _

_ **“You can barely take care of your little brother, Y/N,”** _

_ **“Yeah but he’s an unlovable prick. A dog is different.”** _

Luke tries to telepathically tell his recently-adopted dog to come to jump into his lap. Frank ignores his father’s fake telepathic abilities and continues laying underneath the table. Frank’s an old pug, abandoned at the animal shelter. Y/N’s house didn’t want it and the Hemmings did. Frank is a Hemmings no matter what.

_ **“I want to run away,”** _

_ **“But I’ll miss you.”** _

Everybody is a Hemmings.

** _“But I hate my parents and the way they treat me!”_ **

** _Luke wraps his arm around Y/N, cuddling his head into her neck. They’re constantly cuddling, laying together, kissing, or just holding hands. Luke is affectionate and wants to just show how much he loves his girlfriend._ **

Including Y/N.

_ **“We only have a few more years. Then we’ll be out, living in Paris and enjoying tea and crumpets at the top of the Eiffel Tower,”** _

_ **“I hate tea.”** _

_ **“Mhm,”** _

Luke gave her a promise ring over a year ago; a beautiful silver ring with 'HEMMINGS’ engraved inside of the band in his handwriting. On the outside was her last name in her kindergarten handwriting. Luke was close with Y/N’s parents before her death to the point he’d spend time with her little brother when she was at practice or out with other friends. They would play Fifa, or watch TV, or do something stupid. He was always welcomed there- and her parents expressed such excitement when he asked for Y/N’s young handwriting. They thought it was adorable and would probably get her out of the house quicker if she had a high school sweetheart.

“You killed me!” Y/N screamed in Luke’s mind.

_ **“I love you, Lu,”** _

“I hate you, Luke!”

The last thing that Y/N ever said was 'I love you, Lu,’ with a kiss seconds before her heart stopped and she continued bleeding out. The images of blood shown in Luke’s memory. Both of her arms had been stained red from the non-reversible wounds she inflicted on herself. The goddess-like teenager didn’t leave behind a note, didn’t tell anybody, didn’t even give off a sign that she would follow through with self-inflicted harm. Luke only went to her house against her will because he wanted to calm her down from crying.

** _“What’s your favorite … drink?”_ **

** _“I’m really into water,” Luke smirked before dripping his head under the surface of the ocean. His long body dove down and grabbed her ankles. The giraffe lifted her feet from the sand and forced her into the Aussie water. She smashed into his legs after a loud splash._ **

“Luke!” everybody at the table screamed, catching Luke’s attention from Y/N’s screaming. His head shot up to stare at everyone. Calum’s different shirt; Ashton’s perfect hairstyle; Michael’s black hair; Andrew’s black suit; Liz’s fancy dress. They all just stick into his mind and grasp his attention long enough to hear what they’re pleading out.

“What are you thinking about?” Michael finally asks.

“It’s my fault.” Luke chokes out before shoving two pieces of crisp toast into his mouth. Bare toast- without butter or jam. He has to swallow hard through the scratchy feeling of toasted bread falling down his dry throat.

“What’s your fault?” inquires Liz.

Luke ignores her. His hands reach for another piece of toast before he stands up and scurries back into the comfort of his bedroom.

-

“Woah, Hemmings,” Calum wavered his hand towards Luke to grab the bottle of tequila out of his quivering hands. “Calm down there, man. You’ll get alcohol poisoning." 

Luke wanted to tell Calum that was his plan. On an almost-empty stomach, Luke was developing a drunk sense, quickly. From just a few chugs out of a fifth of tequila, his head was starting to feel fuzzy and his thoughts were beginning to blur. He swung his feet back and forth off the ledge of the rock he planted his butt on. He studied the water below; a dark blue color with rocks surrounding the edges of the ravine. "How deep do you think the water is down there?” Luke asked, pointing towards the blue. With Calum distracted, he grabbed the bottle back and took another swig. “Twenty, thirty feet?" 

"No clue,” Calum replied before snatching the bottle away from his drinking friend. A bit of it spilled down Luke’s face and onto his dress shirt. Payback for Luke soaking through Calum’s with tears. “Supposedly if you jump from here you’ll be killed instantly. Either that or you’ll drown before you get help." 

"Huh,” Luke answered. Ashton sat down right next to Luke with another bottle of alcohol. Michael was on the opposite side of Calum, messing around with a game on his phone. All eight of their legs continued dangling down the side gorge, touching their feet to nothing but actual air. “Ash, how deep do you think the water is-”

“-Luke I have no clue,” Ashton interrupted. He handed Luke his personal bottle and let the golden blond chug until he could no longer swallow. It didn’t take that long. The elder took the bottle back and let the younger lay drunk head on his shoulder. “Are you okay?" 

"Not a single bit,” Luke whispered. He thought he could hear the sounds of water hitting the rocks. “My girlfriend killed herself and it’s all my fault.” This was the place they’d always get drunk; Y/N, Ashton, Michael, Luke, and Calum would sit right here on this exact rock and drink until they couldn’t walk. Michael hates tequila, so they’d always choose him as a designated driver after they’d all be wasted. “I wish I could wake up with amnesia." 

"Why?" 

"To forget everything,” Luke shrugged. He didn’t want to remember a single memory. Not a single thing, but every little sliver of the gorgeous girl was running through his brain on a slide show. “Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to her or-” Luke swallowed the memory on his tongue. “I can’t escape the memories, Ash." 

"None of us can, Lu,” Ashton replied. He didn’t mean it in a hard, Get Over It, way, but it slipped out of his mouth. Luke must have not taken it that way because he continued staring at the sunset. “You’re never around anymore. We miss you." 

"No, you don’t.” Luke took the bottle away from Ashton for another chug, trying to kill the hardest memory. “If I woke up with her right beside me like this was just … a twisted dream,” Luke pressed the lip of the bottle to his mouth and began drinking again. He broke the seal on his mouth when his eyes began watering. Luke pressed the bottle into Ashton’s chest. “I’d hold her so close and she would never slip away.”

“Luke,” Michael called out. Luke shot a look at his black-hared friend wearing a backward snapback. Michael’s eyes connected with Luke’s. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be able to get over this." 

Luke laughed. "No, I won’t," 

** _"Y/N?” Luke knocked on Y/N’s door for the fourth time in a minute. She didn’t answer, just like the three times before. She let out a strangled cough and another cry. “You called me crying. I … I brought you some flowers, and my hoodie, and-” Luke looked down at his hoodie. He dropped the flowers to the floor so he could peel the sweatshirt off his body. It’s her favorite one. “Please,” Luke groaned before knocking again. She didn’t cough, or cry, or do anything. That’s not right. _ **

“She called me before she slit her wrist,” Luke looked out to the sunset. “She called me!” He screamed with all his might. The alcohol was wearing off. “And I waited outside of her bedroom door to be let in, while she was dying." 

** _"Y/N?” Luke knocked again. Y/N made no sounds. That’s not like her. He pushed open the door to see the worst scene right in front of him. She was laying on her unmade bed with blood pouring out of her skin, surrounding her body in a puddle. Luke dropped everything in his hands to grab her body. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tore the blanket away from the wall to soak up blood and press into her wounds. Her mouth made a stinging noise as he screamed to the emergency operator. _ **

“I waited to go into her room, and I killed her." 

"She didn’t kill herself because of you!” Calum yelled. “It’s not your fault, Luke! Her parents made her feel bad and-" 

"She called me to talk and I said that I was busy!” Luke screamed with such emotion Michael felt it. “As I said I would come over, she ended the call. So it’s my fucking fault, Calum!" 

"She killed herself because of her parents,” Ashton whispered. “Not because you couldn’t talk. They proved that while you were on the phone she was already bleeding out." 

"I could have saved her!" 

_ **Y/N died in Luke’s arms right after pressing a cold, bloody kiss to his lips. He tasted metallic and in the next moment, she was limp. ** _

Luke stood up from the rock formation. He was teetering dangerously close to the edge. "I just wish … ” Luke swallowed. 

“Luke, step ba-" 

”-I just wish that I could wake up with amnesia.“ 

"Luke!” Ashton called out. “Step back from the ledge before you get hurt!" 

Luke turned towards his friends. Ashton’s hands reached for Luke, but the younger boy batted his hands away. Calum and Micahel tried to reach for Luke’s arm, but Luke shoved everything stretching towards him away. He didn’t want to be caught; he didn’t need somebody to hold him. "I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget everything.” Luke’s heals were barely on the Earth anymore. He stretched his arms out beside him as if he were balancing on a beam. His eyes shut. His friends reached for body parts to grab and clothing to catch, but it was too late. He was already falling into the water.


End file.
